So it’s time for a change…..I think. An opportunity to move forward or hold steady as is. I hate decisions especially cause I’m not narcissistic enough to think it only affects me. It doesn’t, but they heavy is on me to decide. Only I can make the call. Only I know if I will be happy with this change, yet, it affects the others in my house. And what if I have no fucking idea what makes me happy? I’m getting better at it but I’m not sure I trust myself to know. And that’s it. I don’t know if this change will make me happy because I’m not sure I can define happy…..to let’s move forward and find out.
Sometimes you can find the diamond in the shit. I have been an observer of life in terms of sharing myself. I learned early to shut down ‘me’. In my home I learned that ‘me’ could send a particlular member of my family from calm to psychtic in nothing flat. The problem is, a 2 yr old doesn’t understand anything other than the problem being ‘me’. So if I shut ‘me’ down and be ‘seen but not heard’ then said family member stays cool. Cool is good. ‘Me’ is not good. Not a lesson easily unlearned, but I’ll be damned to live another day without being ‘me’. As so it begins……or rather continues on in the long journey back to me.
Sometimes I wish I had thicker emotional skin. How do you get there? What is the key? Why is that if I feel misunderstood I feel like Darkman on his worst day? Sorry, I just recall the film and how ’emotionally raw’ he would react to the simplest things. Ok, yeah, that or Hulk….whatever makes the most sense to you. Ok, off topic, I want to be able to manage my emotions. If someone misunderstands me or insults me then I want to respect their opinion, take it with a grain of salt or realize its worth, and then move on. Hopefully I will get there…..until then I guess I just waste the energy and take lots of naps.
They really bite whale bubbles sometimes. Is there an emotion called ‘left out’? Maybe I imagine it? It’s hard to be a good person when you have fragile feelings. I’m toughening up or maybe just learning to control my emotions. I mean, I’m not sure the real goal? I just want peace. I want, in that situation of exclusion, to feel the hurt and then let it go. I don’t want it to take from me, I want it to add to me. But first, the mind has to quit ‘stirring the emotinal pot’ by starting the pity party dialogue as soon as the emotion hits. Oy, me.
Identity……what is it? The dictionary defines is as the fact of being who or what a person or thing is. I personally resent this notion when it comes to labels. A label is defined as a short word or phrase descriptive of a person, group, intellectual movement, etc. Both to me seems so limiting in comparison to who I feel I am. I want to be seen for me. So how do I do that? Is it an issue of just being? It’s a new concept for me to break the chains of expectations. But I can’t see living any other way, than living out of me……whoever the hell that is.
How easy does this world make to just say, “yeah, tomorrow, I’ll stop interneting so much.” It’s a mentality. One that doesn’t serve me well. The pain of being someone’s ‘tomorrow list’ when you are right there with them in the now. It sucks, but guess what, it’s not ‘my’ list. It doesn’t belong to me. I can bitch and moan and it’s still not my list. So then what? Acceptance? That’s bullshit. I’m ‘now’ material, not ‘tomorrow’s list’. So that is where I stand. Knowing where I am, yet knowing I deserve more and wondering what the hell I can do about it.
I don’t know what I am supposed to be. i don’t know if it matters and I’m not sure I really care anymore. why can’t i just be what each day brings at me. be whatever the moment needs. why form a mold today of what i should look like tomorrow when i have no idea who tomorrow is? i have a good heart and only want to encourage others in theirs. so isn’t that enough?
How do you rewrite damage? Seems easy, right? I write stories in between writing papers? So why is this so hard? Maybe because the scars are so deep a rewrite could open something I thought was healed? Something I created to help me survive. But is surviving the point? If it’s not true healing then don’t I want more than just survival? I want more……i think. I guess that’s the question, my question and I got nothing.