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Welcome to The Awkward Conversation

A conversation, virtually speaking, to get to know who and what is out there.

living without answers

qute 4.3.17

I don’t know what I am supposed to be.  i don’t know if it matters and I’m not sure I really care anymore. why can’t i just be what each day brings at me. be whatever the moment needs.  why form a mold today of what i should look like tomorrow when i have no idea who tomorrow is?  i have a good heart and only want to encourage others in theirs.  so isn’t that enough?

Rewriting take 2

How do you rewrite damage?  Seems easy, right?  I write stories in between writing papers?  So why is this so hard?  Maybe because the scars are so deep a rewrite could open something I thought was healed?  Something I created to help me survive.  But is surviving the point? If it’s not true healing then don’t I want more than just survival? I want more……i think.  I guess that’s the question, my question and I got nothing.

Rewriting

So I was asked to take a situation that I was hurt in and rewrite it.  Rewrite it in a way that I would not be hurt.  State how I wish the person would’ve handled me. You know……that’s kind of hard.  When you’re damaged, it’s hard to trust that you know the rewrite.  All I can do is try….and trust it changes something within me.  And if it doesn’t, well, hey, I got a writing exercise out of it.

within ear-shot

Family.  It amazes me that I expect more from family.  Especially when they tout their holier-than-thou reteric and then treat you like shit.  Mind you, if I attended their church as a non-family person, most likely they would kiss my ass.  I don’t understand and if I did, I would fear I am them.  I think what angers me the most is that my children have to hear it.  And that these family members feel they are justified and raising their children to feel justified in their bullshit.  At least I am thankful for the awareness to use it to teach our children to be more.  While my blood boils and I have to deal with that in my own way, we can use their example to know what not to be.  To treat them and others how we wish they could…..and pray they will.  But for now, I’m pissed and that is where it’s at.

for granted

sometimes the lonliest place is right there with the one you love. when the internet or ipod or whatever electronic device can hold their attention more than you. it’s a hard, cold, emptiness. it seems to infect every wound you hold until that point in time. for me, I hear every failed relationship, every person who lied to me, didn’t believe in me, never cared…..”you’re not enough” is the wound of the digital age on relationships today……or maybe it’s just me​

I hate writing

so I have struggled with my own writing. I recently was given insight into this. the person I have hidden away, whoever I was truly meant to be, comes out in my writng. well, bits and pieces.lately a song called, Goner, by twenty one pilots hit me.  the words, “don’t let me be gone”. and then, “I want to be known by you”. these later lyrics seemed like something I was screaming at the world…and then it hit me.  i’m screaming it at myself.

who am I

sometimes I wonder who I am. who I was supposed to be. I learned somehow as a child to hide myself away. I learned young to hide any part of me that was not accepted or welcomed by those around me. soon there was nothing left. I lost myself. I became exhausted to walk in a room and access what this person would like or that person. I was never shy, I was reading what i needed to be in that moment to that person. so now begins the task…..finding out who the hell I am and will I like it?​ but really, what have I got to lose when I’ve already lost myself?

funerals

Funerals, they can be so odd.  We said good-bye to a family member this week.  One moment they are here and the next, gone.  Life is a mixed bag of blessings and regret.  The last thing I had said about this person was to call them an asshole.  I had my reasons and if  they had lived I wouldn’t regret them but because this person died then I want to take them back.  Why?  When they were here I never wanted to spend more time with them than the allotted family gathering but now, in the afters, I wish I had known the person better.  So who am I?  Do I mourn my hindsight?  Or just accept that this is life.  I had my reasons to say what I said and think what I thought.  Death changes our perspective, but why?  Is it because we live in the chance tomorrow will bring while ignoring the fact that this moment is it?  But can we live in that reality?  Can we truly understand what it means?  Maybe, just maybe, our humanness cannot comprehend the moment until it becomes the memory?

Don’t underestimate your worth

As death just doesn’t seem to leave anyone alone…..our family deals with it yet again.  It’s always different because it is always someone different.  It is sad that sometimes we do not understand the worth of someone in our life until we do not have the privilege of them here on earth with us.  Why do we take the people in our life for granted?  Or maybe, in my mind, it is hard to truly express in this life what someone means to me.  I try.  Words take you so far, actions too.  The preciousness of those who allow themselves to be in my life cannot be measured but I try.  I am always coming up less for what I think I should do or show to them.  And even if I could perfectly (in my own mind) express how much they mean to me….would they take it in as I mean?  Can they?  My only prayer is that everyone understands their worth in this life.  In this moment.  In who they are-flaws and all.  I’ve always heard we aren’t here by accident.  I’m getting that now.  Everyone matters.  Every day we affect someone in ways we have no idea.  It is not the grandstand events that touch our souls…..it’s the littlest gesture or word said or not said that impact the heart and shape the soul.  You matter.  Whoever is reading this, I don’t know you (most likely), but believe me (a complete freaking stranger) when I say that you matter.  Please don’t ever doubt it-you cannot and will not leave this earth without being missed.  Each morning you wake up, this world will be marked by you.

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