Sometimes I can be a real asshole. What is scary is that I don’t even realize it until after the moment has passed. I’m not a social being. Ok, I’m social in the right setting with the right people. When having to be forcibly-social with the wrong people (which never presents a ‘right time’), my inner child tantrum can produce asshole-ishness. The fun part is when you go home and re-hash it, as if that changes it? I guess on the bright side, maybe the next time the situation presents itself, they won’t try to socialize with me. At least there’s hope in that?
Sometimes I wish I had thicker emotional skin. How do you get there? What is the key? Why is that if I feel misunderstood I feel like Darkman on his worst day? Sorry, I just recall the film and how ’emotionally raw’ he would react to the simplest things. Ok, yeah, that or Hulk….whatever makes the most sense to you. Ok, off topic, I want to be able to manage my emotions. If someone misunderstands me or insults me then I want to respect their opinion, take it with a grain of salt or realize its worth, and then move on. Hopefully I will get there…..until then I guess I just waste the energy and take lots of naps.
They really bite whale bubbles sometimes. Is there an emotion called ‘left out’? Maybe I imagine it? It’s hard to be a good person when you have fragile feelings. I’m toughening up or maybe just learning to control my emotions. I mean, I’m not sure the real goal? I just want peace. I want, in that situation of exclusion, to feel the hurt and then let it go. I don’t want it to take from me, I want it to add to me. But first, the mind has to quit ‘stirring the emotinal pot’ by starting the pity party dialogue as soon as the emotion hits. Oy, me.
Identity……what is it? The dictionary defines is as the fact of being who or what a person or thing is. I personally resent this notion when it comes to labels. A label is defined as a short word or phrase descriptive of a person, group, intellectual movement, etc. Both to me seems so limiting in comparison to who I feel I am. I want to be seen for me. So how do I do that? Is it an issue of just being? It’s a new concept for me to break the chains of expectations. But I can’t see living any other way, than living out of me……whoever the hell that is.
How easy does this world make to just say, “yeah, tomorrow, I’ll stop interneting so much.” It’s a mentality. One that doesn’t serve me well. The pain of being someone’s ‘tomorrow list’ when you are right there with them in the now. It sucks, but guess what, it’s not ‘my’ list. It doesn’t belong to me. I can bitch and moan and it’s still not my list. So then what? Acceptance? That’s bullshit. I’m ‘now’ material, not ‘tomorrow’s list’. So that is where I stand. Knowing where I am, yet knowing I deserve more and wondering what the hell I can do about it.
I don’t know what I am supposed to be. i don’t know if it matters and I’m not sure I really care anymore. why can’t i just be what each day brings at me. be whatever the moment needs. why form a mold today of what i should look like tomorrow when i have no idea who tomorrow is? i have a good heart and only want to encourage others in theirs. so isn’t that enough?
How do you rewrite damage? Seems easy, right? I write stories in between writing papers? So why is this so hard? Maybe because the scars are so deep a rewrite could open something I thought was healed? Something I created to help me survive. But is surviving the point? If it’s not true healing then don’t I want more than just survival? I want more……i think. I guess that’s the question, my question and I got nothing.
So I was asked to take a situation that I was hurt in and rewrite it. Rewrite it in a way that I would not be hurt. State how I wish the person would’ve handled me. You know……that’s kind of hard. When you’re damaged, it’s hard to trust that you know the rewrite. All I can do is try….and trust it changes something within me. And if it doesn’t, well, hey, I got a writing exercise out of it.
Family. It amazes me that I expect more from family. Especially when they tout their holier-than-thou reteric and then treat you like shit. Mind you, if I attended their church as a non-family person, most likely they would kiss my ass. I don’t understand and if I did, I would fear I am them. I think what angers me the most is that my children have to hear it. And that these family members feel they are justified and raising their children to feel justified in their bullshit. At least I am thankful for the awareness to use it to teach our children to be more. While my blood boils and I have to deal with that in my own way, we can use their example to know what not to be. To treat them and others how we wish they could…..and pray they will. But for now, I’m pissed and that is where it’s at.