blog titles? anyway, I write infrequently, if you follow this because I am usually busy dealing with my shit which is what this is kind of about.  but dealing and facing, for me, are two different things. dealing has more to do with maintaining that healthy front you have to present to get through life. you see, I am somewhat of an actor, in the respect that I am outstanding at ‘stuffing’ the anxiety/stress/turmoil to blend.  then there is the facing, which is going head-on into the layers of the anxiety/stress/turmoil. the dealing zaps my energy and strength. the facing is hard (that word does not even come close to describing it) yet it gives me what I need to step out of the pit. i’d like to avoid both and just be ‘normal’ but I’ll be honest-I do not know what the f*ck that means? no worries, my few and far between readers, I am in counseling and have a great counselor who lets me vent this and more (oh, is there more). so today I felt brave and dove into watching a little film about anorexia (one of my battles).  and so the calm pot of ‘dealing’ was stirred and I’m not sure what to do with that. my anorexia is in ‘check’ for the most part. my weight is healthy for my height and no one gasps when they see me but it is there just like anxiety and all it needs is the right trigger. so i wanted to watch this film to see what it had for me. i’m not sure. i jotted down words said that hit home. and by home, I mean my heart. my story is not theirs but I could relate. sadly, i could relate. so now to deal because i don’t have the time or energy to face. people who love me will be home soon and I can’t be crying. it’s time to deal-journal-see the counselor-get mad that i even have to face this shit and then…..find time and space to face it. it’s just sometimes you just have to sit with it……let it hurt because it builds up the muscles to face it. so I’ve got about 15 minutes to let it hurt and maybe squeeze out a few tears. because honestly-i am tired of the anxiety/anorexia, etc taking from me……..I’m taking back what is me but to do that I have to face the running and hiding from me-the good, the bad, and the ugly to get to the beauty and believe in that beauty. and whoever reads this-thank you-I’m glad you’re out there.

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