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Welcome to The Awkward Conversation

A conversation, virtually speaking, to get to know who and what is out there.

writing can help….

Last night was a bit rough….the past haunted me a bit, a moment in life that can never be understood, so below is a bit of my thoughts I wrote down. It involves the stillborn birth of our third daughter, so I wanted to preface this post by saying what follow is raw and angry but it’s me, so feel free not to read any further. I can’t blame you either way. It’s just something I have to get out and share:

 

Some lives are brief in terms of length. Their acknowledgement of being cut short. We think of a life as something that is measured in years, but I am changing my perception on that. Life should be measured in impact, not length. See, I know a girl, a girl that I carried for 19 weeks. Our hello was also our good bye. Some think it is sad that we never got a chance to know our girl and she never got to live her life. Yet, she did, for those 19 weeks. And our lives are forever marked by her. I won’t ever stop asking ‘why’. Our family just does. My mind will never stop searching and my heart will never stop hurting but it’s ok. It’s ok because it’s not ok. There are things in this life that are not ok and you have to call it like it is, truth. Truth is I miss my child that never got to take an earthly breath. The truth is if it wasn’t for her death we might not have our fourth daughter. The truth is I feel like I can’t say I wish she was here because would that might mean I wouldn’t have my fourth daughter. The truth is I can’t make sense of it and it pisses me off. The truth is I love God and the truth is I can’t stop wondering why? Why God? And the truth is, some days faith fills the gap and some days I’m searching and mourning like it just happened all over again. Like the day I was told she had no heartbeat, like the moment I realized we would have to make arrangements for our dead child, like the day we held her lifeless, discolored body in our arms and had to decide when to let her physically ‘go’ to be turned over to the morgue. And sometimes I just cry out ‘fuck this’ because the emotions are too much….there is no ‘processing’ that will complete this……so I take a deep breath and I thank God for His patience. I don’t care if people say I’m doing this wrong. It’s not theirs, it’s mine. I’m thankful for His love, my husbands love, and my three girls who He has blessed me with. And I am thankful for the 19 weeks. I am thankful I got to hold her and play with her hands and toes. I am thankful to the doctor and nurses who walked alongside us during the dark 20 hours of labor. I am thankful for what she continues to teach me. I live in a different world…..an in between. I’m thankful for what my daughter is teaching me. There is no absence. There is hope.

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Worst case scenario

I had to stop and think yesterday, what would my life look like if I quit making decisions/forming thoughts based on the worst case scenario…………….how would that change look?

After the pause

It has been awhile since I have posted. I guess that is probably because I am not sure why I post. I guess it’s like the message in a bottle-I’m tossing it out there and see what comes back. But the point isn’t to get anything back. Or is it? You see my problem here? Anyway, I am trying to live more out of the truth of who I am……mess and all. It’s bringing me peace but sure taking me into some uncomfort. I’m not used to making decisions about what is best for me and brings me peace. I’m used to the people-pleasing role. But I realize that people-pleasing is manipulation…..and that’s not me. I don’t want people to like me because I ‘make them’ by giving them whatever they want at my expense. That’s not living……..and I want to live.

long time no write

It has been awhile. Life has changed some and fighting anxiety has been the focus. I miss writing. I miss feeling grounded. All the ‘self-help’ says acceptance is the key…….maybe, but I can’t find the f*cking door. I am entering into a journey where I can’t hide, I have to be me but when you feel that has never been enough in life, who do you do that? I grew up questioning myself since my earliest memory that I was someone who upset others. I didn’t know why, I just know that I did and when I did I was alone. I didn’t have comfort-only the silence that told me as a toddler to ‘change who you are to make them happy’. And now, life is telling me it’s time to see that as a lie, but it’s been my truth for SO long?! I’m at a crossroads and I know the route I want to take, but it’s hard and the road behind me tells me that it’s uncharted territory and I’m scared. The only acceptance I have known to put myself out there had to do with hiding parts of who I was away to please others. To keep the peace and gain acceptance.  To grow means to accept this as a lie and go the way of uncharted territory, but the basis of my life until now says ‘what if it doesn’t work?’ So here I stand, at the crossroads with my anxiety………..

tendencies

This is a blog of ‘working things out’ for me-so bear with me cause it’s unraveling…..in a good way but first, there’s just a lot of ‘clearing out’. So I have started to run. Exercise is good for anxiety, right? I mean, a run a day keeps the anxiety at bay. Yet, my anorexic tendencies want to kick in and I want to starve myself until my afternoon run….it feels better. I know this is messed up because I have to eat to have the energy. So you see my problem here.  The bright side is I habe the awareness.  I know my tendencies and I know my hang ups and their ‘default’. It’s a battle and a war I didn’t sign up for but I’ll fight. Yeah, I’m not perfect but I know I’m worth fighting for……I know this life is.

numb: chapter whatever

blog titles? anyway, I write infrequently, if you follow this because I am usually busy dealing with my shit which is what this is kind of about.  but dealing and facing, for me, are two different things. dealing has more to do with maintaining that healthy front you have to present to get through life. you see, I am somewhat of an actor, in the respect that I am outstanding at ‘stuffing’ the anxiety/stress/turmoil to blend.  then there is the facing, which is going head-on into the layers of the anxiety/stress/turmoil. the dealing zaps my energy and strength. the facing is hard (that word does not even come close to describing it) yet it gives me what I need to step out of the pit. i’d like to avoid both and just be ‘normal’ but I’ll be honest-I do not know what the f*ck that means? no worries, my few and far between readers, I am in counseling and have a great counselor who lets me vent this and more (oh, is there more). so today I felt brave and dove into watching a little film about anorexia (one of my battles).  and so the calm pot of ‘dealing’ was stirred and I’m not sure what to do with that. my anorexia is in ‘check’ for the most part. my weight is healthy for my height and no one gasps when they see me but it is there just like anxiety and all it needs is the right trigger. so i wanted to watch this film to see what it had for me. i’m not sure. i jotted down words said that hit home. and by home, I mean my heart. my story is not theirs but I could relate. sadly, i could relate. so now to deal because i don’t have the time or energy to face. people who love me will be home soon and I can’t be crying. it’s time to deal-journal-see the counselor-get mad that i even have to face this shit and then…..find time and space to face it. it’s just sometimes you just have to sit with it……let it hurt because it builds up the muscles to face it. so I’ve got about 15 minutes to let it hurt and maybe squeeze out a few tears. because honestly-i am tired of the anxiety/anorexia, etc taking from me……..I’m taking back what is me but to do that I have to face the running and hiding from me-the good, the bad, and the ugly to get to the beauty and believe in that beauty. and whoever reads this-thank you-I’m glad you’re out there.

trying to understand the fear

some of us are just more ‘awake’ to this world than others…it is a privilege,  yet heavy to deal, cause others are talking to us ‘only in passing’…..felt this way today….not sure why, I just do. sometimes our struggles are due to our awareness of a world that wants us dulled and ‘in line’ with everyone else….but that’s not us…..we want more, we were made for more.  I think it’s breaking the shell of how we’ve been told to be……and instead we need to just be.

the cost of my fear

it has cost me so much and it still takes. I can’t stop it. so I am diagnosed with anxiety. this offers me pills to ‘calm me’ or ‘numb me’ either works cause it’s too much.  it robs me of energy which robs me of fight.maybe I’m missing the point.  all the great minds say to accept what is. well, I don’t. this shouldn’t fucking be what is and I have no idea what to do about it but to survive. I will fight back wih whatever ounce of me I can because I’m done with the cost of fear taking…..it’s time to take back…even if I have no idea what that looks like or feels like……it has to exist, it has to.

hit or miss

I post in the midst of the anxiety brought on by my perfectionism.  do I think I am perfect? no. so why do I struggle? because of people pleasing. why do I people please? because people are so unpleasant when not pleased. duh? my current life situation is a new job, a family member (in-law) who feels I do nothing right and need their constant instruction to put one foot in front of the next on one side. the other side stands a family member who, by their own admission says it is their job to keep everyone happy.  welcome to my influential shit-storm.  I won’t live by either of their rules. I won’t yet they influence me.  Elkhart Tolle said something like frustration is not aceepting what is…..but then he has never met these two.  I’m not sure what to accept because I’m still unsure of who I am in relation to their issues.  hey, at least I call them ‘their issues’, I mean those are clear to see.  Now….to figure out mine….once the energy drain of anxiety calms….or maybe that’s the point. the anxiety-drain forces me to slow….and think….**deep breath** oh these growing pains. 

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