I post in the midst of the anxiety brought on by my perfectionism. do I think I am perfect? no. so why do I struggle? because of people pleasing. why do I people please? because people are so unpleasant when not pleased. duh? my current life situation is a new job, a family member (in-law) who feels I do nothing right and need their constant instruction to put one foot in front of the next on one side. the other side stands a family member who, by their own admission says it is their job to keep everyone happy. welcome to my influential shit-storm. I won’t live by either of their rules. I won’t yet they influence me. Elkhart Tolle said something like frustration is not aceepting what is…..but then he has never met these two. I’m not sure what to accept because I’m still unsure of who I am in relation to their issues. hey, at least I call them ‘their issues’, I mean those are clear to see. Now….to figure out mine….once the energy drain of anxiety calms….or maybe that’s the point. the anxiety-drain forces me to slow….and think….**deep breath** oh these growing pains.
Even with the best intentions, life will play out as it is meant to. You can do everything right….and things can still go horribly wrong. It is what it is. I guess. Yet I am not without hope, I refuse to. I won’t let the moments that I feel went wrong be for nothing. I will learn from it, but I will also be honest and admit the truth of how I feel. That what happened was shit, and I’ll use that shit to fertilize my growth. This is my truth and if I ever learn to cross stitch, well, it may make a fine saying on a pillow case to pass on to my spawn.
So it’s time for a change…..I think. An opportunity to move forward or hold steady as is. I hate decisions especially cause I’m not narcissistic enough to think it only affects me. It doesn’t, but they heavy is on me to decide. Only I can make the call. Only I know if I will be happy with this change, yet, it affects the others in my house. And what if I have no fucking idea what makes me happy? I’m getting better at it but I’m not sure I trust myself to know. And that’s it. I don’t know if this change will make me happy because I’m not sure I can define happy…..to let’s move forward and find out.
Sometimes you can find the diamond in the shit. I have been an observer of life in terms of sharing myself. I learned early to shut down ‘me’. In my home I learned that ‘me’ could send a particlular member of my family from calm to psychtic in nothing flat. The problem is, a 2 yr old doesn’t understand anything other than the problem being ‘me’. So if I shut ‘me’ down and be ‘seen but not heard’ then said family member stays cool. Cool is good. ‘Me’ is not good. Not a lesson easily unlearned, but I’ll be damned to live another day without being ‘me’. As so it begins……or rather continues on in the long journey back to me.
Sometimes I wish I had thicker emotional skin. How do you get there? What is the key? Why is that if I feel misunderstood I feel like Darkman on his worst day? Sorry, I just recall the film and how ’emotionally raw’ he would react to the simplest things. Ok, yeah, that or Hulk….whatever makes the most sense to you. Ok, off topic, I want to be able to manage my emotions. If someone misunderstands me or insults me then I want to respect their opinion, take it with a grain of salt or realize its worth, and then move on. Hopefully I will get there…..until then I guess I just waste the energy and take lots of naps.
They really bite whale bubbles sometimes. Is there an emotion called ‘left out’? Maybe I imagine it? It’s hard to be a good person when you have fragile feelings. I’m toughening up or maybe just learning to control my emotions. I mean, I’m not sure the real goal? I just want peace. I want, in that situation of exclusion, to feel the hurt and then let it go. I don’t want it to take from me, I want it to add to me. But first, the mind has to quit ‘stirring the emotinal pot’ by starting the pity party dialogue as soon as the emotion hits. Oy, me.
Identity……what is it? The dictionary defines is as the fact of being who or what a person or thing is. I personally resent this notion when it comes to labels. A label is defined as a short word or phrase descriptive of a person, group, intellectual movement, etc. Both to me seems so limiting in comparison to who I feel I am. I want to be seen for me. So how do I do that? Is it an issue of just being? It’s a new concept for me to break the chains of expectations. But I can’t see living any other way, than living out of me……whoever the hell that is.
How easy does this world make to just say, “yeah, tomorrow, I’ll stop interneting so much.” It’s a mentality. One that doesn’t serve me well. The pain of being someone’s ‘tomorrow list’ when you are right there with them in the now. It sucks, but guess what, it’s not ‘my’ list. It doesn’t belong to me. I can bitch and moan and it’s still not my list. So then what? Acceptance? That’s bullshit. I’m ‘now’ material, not ‘tomorrow’s list’. So that is where I stand. Knowing where I am, yet knowing I deserve more and wondering what the hell I can do about it.