Last night was a bit rough….the past haunted me a bit, a moment in life that can never be understood, so below is a bit of my thoughts I wrote down. It involves the stillborn birth of our third daughter, so I wanted to preface this post by saying what follow is raw and angry but it’s me, so feel free not to read any further. I can’t blame you either way. It’s just something I have to get out and share:
Some lives are brief in terms of length. Their acknowledgement of being cut short. We think of a life as something that is measured in years, but I am changing my perception on that. Life should be measured in impact, not length. See, I know a girl, a girl that I carried for 19 weeks. Our hello was also our good bye. Some think it is sad that we never got a chance to know our girl and she never got to live her life. Yet, she did, for those 19 weeks. And our lives are forever marked by her. I won’t ever stop asking ‘why’. Our family just does. My mind will never stop searching and my heart will never stop hurting but it’s ok. It’s ok because it’s not ok. There are things in this life that are not ok and you have to call it like it is, truth. Truth is I miss my child that never got to take an earthly breath. The truth is if it wasn’t for her death we might not have our fourth daughter. The truth is I feel like I can’t say I wish she was here because would that might mean I wouldn’t have my fourth daughter. The truth is I can’t make sense of it and it pisses me off. The truth is I love God and the truth is I can’t stop wondering why? Why God? And the truth is, some days faith fills the gap and some days I’m searching and mourning like it just happened all over again. Like the day I was told she had no heartbeat, like the moment I realized we would have to make arrangements for our dead child, like the day we held her lifeless, discolored body in our arms and had to decide when to let her physically ‘go’ to be turned over to the morgue. And sometimes I just cry out ‘fuck this’ because the emotions are too much….there is no ‘processing’ that will complete this……so I take a deep breath and I thank God for His patience. I don’t care if people say I’m doing this wrong. It’s not theirs, it’s mine. I’m thankful for His love, my husbands love, and my three girls who He has blessed me with. And I am thankful for the 19 weeks. I am thankful I got to hold her and play with her hands and toes. I am thankful to the doctor and nurses who walked alongside us during the dark 20 hours of labor. I am thankful for what she continues to teach me. I live in a different world…..an in between. I’m thankful for what my daughter is teaching me. There is no absence. There is hope.