It has been awhile. Life has changed some and fighting anxiety has been the focus. I miss writing. I miss feeling grounded. All the ‘self-help’ says acceptance is the key…….maybe, but I can’t find the f*cking door. I am entering into a journey where I can’t hide, I have to be me but when you feel that has never been enough in life, who do you do that? I grew up questioning myself since my earliest memory that I was someone who upset others. I didn’t know why, I just know that I did and when I did I was alone. I didn’t have comfort-only the silence that told me as a toddler to ‘change who you are to make them happy’. And now, life is telling me it’s time to see that as a lie, but it’s been my truth for SO long?! I’m at a crossroads and I know the route I want to take, but it’s hard and the road behind me tells me that it’s uncharted territory and I’m scared. The only acceptance I have known to put myself out there had to do with hiding parts of who I was away to please others. To keep the peace and gain acceptance. To grow means to accept this as a lie and go the way of uncharted territory, but the basis of my life until now says ‘what if it doesn’t work?’ So here I stand, at the crossroads with my anxiety………..
This is a blog of ‘working things out’ for me-so bear with me cause it’s unraveling…..in a good way but first, there’s just a lot of ‘clearing out’. So I have started to run. Exercise is good for anxiety, right? I mean, a run a day keeps the anxiety at bay. Yet, my anorexic tendencies want to kick in and I want to starve myself until my afternoon run….it feels better. I know this is messed up because I have to eat to have the energy. So you see my problem here. The bright side is I habe the awareness. I know my tendencies and I know my hang ups and their ‘default’. It’s a battle and a war I didn’t sign up for but I’ll fight. Yeah, I’m not perfect but I know I’m worth fighting for……I know this life is.
blog titles? anyway, I write infrequently, if you follow this because I am usually busy dealing with my shit which is what this is kind of about. but dealing and facing, for me, are two different things. dealing has more to do with maintaining that healthy front you have to present to get through life. you see, I am somewhat of an actor, in the respect that I am outstanding at ‘stuffing’ the anxiety/stress/turmoil to blend. then there is the facing, which is going head-on into the layers of the anxiety/stress/turmoil. the dealing zaps my energy and strength. the facing is hard (that word does not even come close to describing it) yet it gives me what I need to step out of the pit. i’d like to avoid both and just be ‘normal’ but I’ll be honest-I do not know what the f*ck that means? no worries, my few and far between readers, I am in counseling and have a great counselor who lets me vent this and more (oh, is there more). so today I felt brave and dove into watching a little film about anorexia (one of my battles). and so the calm pot of ‘dealing’ was stirred and I’m not sure what to do with that. my anorexia is in ‘check’ for the most part. my weight is healthy for my height and no one gasps when they see me but it is there just like anxiety and all it needs is the right trigger. so i wanted to watch this film to see what it had for me. i’m not sure. i jotted down words said that hit home. and by home, I mean my heart. my story is not theirs but I could relate. sadly, i could relate. so now to deal because i don’t have the time or energy to face. people who love me will be home soon and I can’t be crying. it’s time to deal-journal-see the counselor-get mad that i even have to face this shit and then…..find time and space to face it. it’s just sometimes you just have to sit with it……let it hurt because it builds up the muscles to face it. so I’ve got about 15 minutes to let it hurt and maybe squeeze out a few tears. because honestly-i am tired of the anxiety/anorexia, etc taking from me……..I’m taking back what is me but to do that I have to face the running and hiding from me-the good, the bad, and the ugly to get to the beauty and believe in that beauty. and whoever reads this-thank you-I’m glad you’re out there.
some of us are just more ‘awake’ to this world than others…it is a privilege, yet heavy to deal, cause others are talking to us ‘only in passing’…..felt this way today….not sure why, I just do. sometimes our struggles are due to our awareness of a world that wants us dulled and ‘in line’ with everyone else….but that’s not us…..we want more, we were made for more. I think it’s breaking the shell of how we’ve been told to be……and instead we need to just be.
it has cost me so much and it still takes. I can’t stop it. so I am diagnosed with anxiety. this offers me pills to ‘calm me’ or ‘numb me’ either works cause it’s too much. it robs me of energy which robs me of fight.maybe I’m missing the point. all the great minds say to accept what is. well, I don’t. this shouldn’t fucking be what is and I have no idea what to do about it but to survive. I will fight back wih whatever ounce of me I can because I’m done with the cost of fear taking…..it’s time to take back…even if I have no idea what that looks like or feels like……it has to exist, it has to.
I post in the midst of the anxiety brought on by my perfectionism. do I think I am perfect? no. so why do I struggle? because of people pleasing. why do I people please? because people are so unpleasant when not pleased. duh? my current life situation is a new job, a family member (in-law) who feels I do nothing right and need their constant instruction to put one foot in front of the next on one side. the other side stands a family member who, by their own admission says it is their job to keep everyone happy. welcome to my influential shit-storm. I won’t live by either of their rules. I won’t yet they influence me. Elkhart Tolle said something like frustration is not aceepting what is…..but then he has never met these two. I’m not sure what to accept because I’m still unsure of who I am in relation to their issues. hey, at least I call them ‘their issues’, I mean those are clear to see. Now….to figure out mine….once the energy drain of anxiety calms….or maybe that’s the point. the anxiety-drain forces me to slow….and think….**deep breath** oh these growing pains.
Even with the best intentions, life will play out as it is meant to. You can do everything right….and things can still go horribly wrong. It is what it is. I guess. Yet I am not without hope, I refuse to. I won’t let the moments that I feel went wrong be for nothing. I will learn from it, but I will also be honest and admit the truth of how I feel. That what happened was shit, and I’ll use that shit to fertilize my growth. This is my truth and if I ever learn to cross stitch, well, it may make a fine saying on a pillow case to pass on to my spawn.
So it’s time for a change…..I think. An opportunity to move forward or hold steady as is. I hate decisions especially cause I’m not narcissistic enough to think it only affects me. It doesn’t, but they heavy is on me to decide. Only I can make the call. Only I know if I will be happy with this change, yet, it affects the others in my house. And what if I have no fucking idea what makes me happy? I’m getting better at it but I’m not sure I trust myself to know. And that’s it. I don’t know if this change will make me happy because I’m not sure I can define happy…..to let’s move forward and find out.
Sometimes you can find the diamond in the shit. I have been an observer of life in terms of sharing myself. I learned early to shut down ‘me’. In my home I learned that ‘me’ could send a particlular member of my family from calm to psychtic in nothing flat. The problem is, a 2 yr old doesn’t understand anything other than the problem being ‘me’. So if I shut ‘me’ down and be ‘seen but not heard’ then said family member stays cool. Cool is good. ‘Me’ is not good. Not a lesson easily unlearned, but I’ll be damned to live another day without being ‘me’. As so it begins……or rather continues on in the long journey back to me.